learning to be flexible.

this is a post i've been wanting to write for a while- but was having a hard time figuring out what to say.  over the course of the last month, our life has been a tumultuous roller coaster, filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows.  and as of right now, there's no end in sight.  however, despite the uncertainty, a. & i are determined to figure out how to hang on and do our best to enjoy the ride.

when we first found out we were moving to california, we were under the impression we'd be living in san diego.  having family and close friends there, made this an exciting change.  about a week before our move, a. received news of a job opening in orange county and everything changed.  we began a new apartment search & job hunt about an hour and a half north.  we shared the news excitedly with family and friends and last week, just as we were ready to put down a deposit, were surprised to learn this position was no longer available until mid-summer.

with both of us currently unemployed, waiting until the position opened up this summer was not an option.  so our orange county plans were put on hold and after thinking it through, we decided once and for all that we needed to focus all our efforts in san diego.  so we did, and so we continue.

december 7th was a.'s last day as an active duty service member.  we knew this day was coming and for over a year & a half, have planned our lives accordingly.  we made plans to move to san diego so we could live near family, actively saved so we'd have a cushion should we both be unemployed (and here we are!), made arrangements to live with family until we could find somewhere promising and promised one another that we'd do our best to stay sane despite all the inevitable changes.  as much as we planned and took the steps we thought necessary, we didn't realize just how flexible we'd have to be.

don't get me wrong, most things here are very good.  we love being so close to our families and old friends.  but it's different...obviously.  our life in syracuse was so simple.  so easy.  we didn't answer to anyone (well, except of course, when it came to work), lived how we wanted, ate how we wanted, spent our evenings & weekends doing whatever we wanted and lived spontaneously, without worry.  looking back, it was like a dream.  now we're adapting to new tastes and habits, new conversations & expectations, new opinions and plenty of differences.  we're adjusting to the job hunt and having to ask for help, learning to rely on our san diego network and re-establishing ourselves in this community.  currently, so much is new.  much of which is good and wonderful & much of which we can't wait to change.  but, we're learning how to be flexible.

i've found over the course of blogging, there's a fine line between talking about a problem & complaining about a problem, the latter of which i'm trying to avoid.  a. & i are taking the steps necessary to change our current situation and are doing our best to embrace everything we've been given.  some days it's easy...some days it's not.  we understand 2013 is going to begin with lots of changes.  and we're okay with that.  but despite all the change and chaos and confusion that is our life right now- we're loving that we get to spend another christmas with one another and have the opportunity to forge a new path together.

so for now, i'm practicing my deep breathing and learning the art of flexibility.  being able to roll with the punches is critical for me- and there are days when it takes a force as strong as a mac truck to remind me of this.  when i catch myself bumming because we don't have a tree to decorate, a job to wake up to, a kitchen to cook in, a house to blast my obnoxious christmas carols- i remember this change is temporary.  and it's going to lead to wonderful things.  2013 is going to bring lots and lots of change, so right now- its up to me to embrace and adapt...because ready or not, it's coming anyway.

thanks for listening.

our ridiculously short trip to the cape.

on monday i mentioned our spontaneous trek to cape cod for a.'s interview.  well, we're home now, making the total trip of 747 miles in the car, an hour and a half interview, a few hours spent walking on the beach, exploring as much as we possibly could, indulging in local fare & spending some precious time with our friends in boston (and their new little addition) in a grand total of 36 hours.  whew.  now that's a whirlwind.

but know what?  i'd do it all over again.  we had so much fun in the cape and since it was both during the week and off season, the towns were settling back into their sleepy modes.  we found a stellar hotel overlooking the beach (thanks to yelp!) with plenty of availability, ate at some notoriously busy restaurants (with very little, if any, wait), enjoyed quiet strips of beach and the most beautiful sunny weather.

while a. was at his interview, i spent a couple hours exploring some local shops & enjoying the fantastic weather.  we enjoyed our last lunch seaside and headed to boston for a quick little reunion.  we only had a few hours, but we chatted and reminisced and i held on tightly to the sweetest smelling little munchkin.  we didn't want to leave & we all know traveling home is the hardest part of any voyage.  but a. and i have a system- we listened to a few podcasts, jammed to our favorite tunes, chatted about the trip and the possibilities of another job offer coming through and daydreamed of our future. 

we're good at daydreaming.  it always gives us direction and something new to get excited about; like another (longer) trip to cape cod perhaps?

an impromptu road trip.

this should serve as another lesson on why i need to get better at planning my daily posts. generally, i spend my mornings writing posts and if i have time, organizing my pictures for the next days post. but on mornings like this, it poses as a problem...

this morning, a. received a long awaited call for an interview from the coast guard & much to our surprise, the interview is slotted tomorrow in cape cod. considering the cape is a 6 hour drive from syracuse, this info kinda sent our entire morning into a chaotic whirlwind.

since we're selling the house, it needs to be show ready in a moments notice- and a small dinner party left our kitchen in a bit of disarray. so our morning plans were cancelled, we picked up, packed up and hit the road.

gotta love a good adventure & an impromptu road trip!

letters for soldiers.

recently i signed up to adopt a solider.  it kinda happened on a whim as i was looking into a few things online but since a.s been home, i've really missed supporting the soldiers overseas.  that said, when i stumbled upon this website, i thought this would be a fantastic way to continue to show our appreciation.  i signed up, received our adopted soldiers profile and was asked to begin writing letters immediately.  

writing letters to complete strangers isn't as easy as it sounds.  you have to wonder how much information to pass along and what they would be interested to hear.  this brought me back to my pen pal days.  minus the barrage of questions and the new pals that changed as often as my grade. so i wrote and the words came, as they always do.

i had so much fun writing to them & found this purpose extremely gratifying.  if you enjoy writing letters and are looking for something kind to do for someone else, write a note to a solider.  it's lonely overseas and your gratitude and good cheer will help keep their spirits high.  seriously, it's amazing how much appreciation soldiers (or anyone really) have for a single letter.  

and yes, this card was created by yours truly.

a quick weekend retreat and a new purpose.

this weekend a. and i spent the weekend in lake george on a marriage retreat.  neither of us had ever been to lake george- and the sleepy town totally lived up to it's name.  with the exception of our little group, there weren't too many people out exploring...so it was almost as though we had the village to ourselves.  & considering that we were there to spend time re-connecting- it was the perfect backdrop for this weekend.

occasionally, the army offers a weekend marriage retreat.  when a. first signed up for the military, we scoffed at this option- considering, he spent so much of his week around all things military why would we bring it into our weekend if we didn't have to.  so for the first 5 years, we opted not to go.  then, when a. was getting ready for his second deployment, he signed us up.  basically, it was a free trip to niagara falls.  why would we say no?

we had an outstanding time in niagara.  the lessons learned were nice- but better yet, was the quality time we spend together and the thought-provoking conversations that followed after the workshops, made the trip so beneficial.  so when we found out they were offering it again, we signed up in a heartbeat.  

this year we were given and reviewed the book, the 5 love languages.  i'd heard about the book before and was excited to dive in deeper.  much to my dismay, we didn't review the book or challenge ourselves as much as i had hoped.  to be honest, i left feeling a bit unfulfilled- and kinda jipped.  you see, as a military couple (or any couple with a long-distance relationship), we spend a lot of time apart.  between trainings and deployments i've known couples who have spent the better part of 2 years away from one another (that's a long time).  and when you're not apart, you're living in a state of transition: adjusting to living with one another and prepping for the next deployment. 

talk about stressful.  luckily for us, we only had 4 years of that life- but other couples have an entire marriage and family built around that uncertainty.  the 5 love languages is a great book with some very cool insight.  but if you're a couple like a. and i who both share a primary love language of quality time- how do you implement that language into a long distance relationship?  better yet, if you can't, what's the next step to leaving your partner fulfilled and your relationship strong?

we thought we had figured this out during a.'s first deployment.  there were lot's of boxes and care packages and as many skype calls as the shoty internet would allow.  the second deployment was harder and while the lines of communication were open- the time wasn't there.  and try as we did- it was very, very hard to stay connected.  so what do you do?  

to be honest, i don't know.  but i walked away from this weekend with a mission: to find the happy forever after.  for everyone.  you see, i love love.  and i want everyone who falls in love and marries their one and only, to foster in a happy, strong and healthy relationship.  it's possible.  it won't be easy, but it has been done.  and through a. and my trials and errors and lessons learned- i hope to share how.

thankful.

i am thankful for so many things and today, is the perfect reminder to stop, slow down, and reminisce all the good things in our life.  

today is a world different than last year's thanksgiving.  and tonight i'm blessed to not only be around family, but to have my love with us to celebrate the holidays.  last year's vast loneliness has been replaced by laughter and warmth and the large void i felt even though i was surrounded by people, was filled this year with soft glances, small kisses and bigs hugs. 

i have a hard time believing that in order to be happy you need to be thankful.  with so much goodness surrounding us each day, it's easy to take everything for granted.  and when you make time, like we're doing today, to reflect on all the gifts we have, it's hard not to be happy.  however, just because there's a lot you're thankful for, sometimes it's still hard to find happiness.  especially when you're missing that one special person who makes you happier than anyone else.  

being apart is hard, no matter who you are or why you have the distance between you.  and being apart during the holidays is that much more difficult.  trust me.  i know.  we've been there- twice.  so, while i'm overwhelmed with happiness and excited for the traditions we're creating and the time we're spending together, i'm also deeply thankful to each and every person making that difficult sacrifice this holiday season.  

thank you from the bottom of both our hearts, to every soldiers overseas and away from family.  thank you to the ones who tonight, are celebrating the last holiday with their families before they deploy as well.  and to those of you serving on the home front, thank you for letting go, staying strong and having faith.  we are extremely thankful for you as well.  without any of you or the sacrifices you're making, we wouldn't have the opportunities to find the happiness we seek.

happy thanksgiving. xxo

image source unknown

i love a good homecoming.

Caitlin + Ben "Fly Safe Please" from Sandbox Love on Vimeo.

i just saw this amazing video on elise's blog.  since a. and i just had our own homecoming after a year-long deployment, it really struck a chord with me (he'll be home 2 weeks sunday!).  homecomings are so incredibly emotional & words can't begin to explain what you're feeling.  this video is the closest representation of the happiness and excitement and joy we felt the day we saw each other.

luckily, we'll never be going through another deployment again, but if for some reason things change, i'll be copying this- for sure.

and as a. said, this homecoming was so much cooler than his.

a.'s homecoming

it's been one week since a.'s been home.  and it's been wonderful.  it's so nice to have a partner in crime and someone to just do nothing with.  so i guess you can say, it's been a great week.  

sadly, i missed a.'s homecoming.  in true following of murphy's law, our largest conference was held in san antonio the same weekend of his arrival.  to anyone else, it might seem silly that i wasn't there- and yes, the decision to miss it was hard.  when we found out about the conflict, we talked about it a lot & together decided it would be better to miss the initial hello than be forced to say goodbye a day after he came home.  

so we chose for me to go.  i spent three very long days keeping my head down and working my butt off.  meanwhile, a. started his travels across the globe and our friends planned a killer homecoming party in his honor.

the pictures are: 1) my call from san antonio to tell the gang a's homecoming information and pick-up details.  it was also when i realized it was actually happening.  honestly, i had a mental breakdown.  it was the only time i regretted our decision. 2) the party growlers 3) homecoming formation 4) katie, a. and rick 5) a happy pup 6) a sushi platter rick made for a.

the next day (the first full day a. was home), my colleagues surprised me with an early ticket home.  i wanted to keep it a surprise, but between my excitement and knowing that he probably would decide to go golfing or mountain biking for the day, i thought better of it.  so i hopped the first flight out of san antonio on monday.  miraculously, i made each and every connection & arrived to syracuse on-time.  a. was waiting for me and it was magical.  & for the first time, in 365 days, i finally felt happy.

the deployment (part 2).

as you know, i launched my lofty list of things to do in a.'s absence.  i was going to eat healthy and exercise much.  learn a new language and how to play guitar.  ready many, many books, travel the world, volunteer, scuba dive and climb mountains.  all of this in one year.  oh yea, and start a brand new job.  see where the straight jacket comes in?

by three months in, i definitely felt less crazy.  i met up with a good friend who went through two deployments herself and she verified my deepest fear: the second deployment is tougher than the first & doesn't get any easier.  the only way to get through this unscathed was to fight like hell and endure.  so i did.

i dove head first into work.  with a week of australia ahead of me, i had something to look forward to.  it was only once i hit the new challenges of the job, that i realized i no longer had anyone to bounce ideas off.  the one person who was not only an awesome sounding board, but also helped me rationalize and stay grounded, was gone.  and that sucked.  majorly.  so i turned to my awesome network of family & friends and they guided me (with a ton of patience) through my trials.  and i am forever grateful.   

by the time the holidays got here, i was completely out of any sense of normalcy i once had.  but it didn't make it any easier.  no sir'e.  the holidays were the absolute pits (sorry family...just being honest) and while i was home, it just wasn't the same.  so once again, i endured and made the very best of the holiday cheer and festivities.  

when i arrived home, life took over and continued full-speed ahead. and even though the days felt long, i found i had enough to do to keep my mind occupied.  a. and i spoke often.  we talked about the future and our life plans & bucket lists and life after the army.  we wrote one another letters and on the rare occasion, were able to chat via skype or on the phone.  that was the best.

my friend was right, it never did get easier, but as the snow and cold lifted, so did my spirits.  i started to see a light and with costa rica right around the corner, had a reason to get very, very excited.  while emerging from my funk, i also started making time for me (this is actually rather ironic considering i had an entire year of me-time).  i finally got involved in a running club and read more books.  i picked up beer making and began to make mini-books again.  i bought flowers for the house and cooked more meals.  as dismal as things may have been, it was really starting to look up.     

he's home!

he's home.  i'm home.  & we're together forever.  finally.

the boxes have arrived.

best.day.ever.  a.'s boxes started arriving at the doorstep.  i didn't think they'd make it here this fast, but they did, & that means a.'s right behind them!  for any of you wondering, the anticipation is way worse than being a kid on christmas eve, or the first day of school, your wedding day (and that was pretty damn exciting), starting a new job or learning how to drive.  seriously.  it's bananas.   & so completely wonderful.  

only a few more days friends.

the depolyment (part one).

i’ve been trying to write this for a while now.  trying to find the right words, but it never felt right,  with each passing month i tell myself it's time & i should- but always fall short as the words fail to come.  now things are different.  with a very definite end in sight i finally can and will write what's been on my mind this past year. 

there's no beating around the bush here- deployments to say the least, are the worst.  they just suck.  leading up to the "big-d" everyone told me 'you can do this.  it'll be easier than you think.  and you know what to expect.'  so i repeated...'it'll be way easier than i think, we've done this before & i'll stay super busy...i can totally do this.'  so i put my head down, cried my tears and forged ahead.  & to my surprise, the second deployment isn't any easier than the first.  as a matter of fact, it's harder.  

for the first month, i thought someone was going to have to put me in a straight jacket.  it was really that bad.  i started a new job right before a. left (worst. decision. ever) and between the new job & deployment, i was stressed to the max.  i surrounded myself with self-pity & sorrow and hunkered down for the long haul.  luckily i have some amazing friends.  they let me wallow just long enough before they stopped putting up with my bs and called me out.  

so i ventured out, looking for adventures & happiness...convinced they'd arrive in one pretty little package.  i booked a few trips and committed to a couple races and activities.  i put myself out there.  like a single girl in a frat house...there i was.  and while i had many moments of satisfaction, nothing seemed to help- my little gray cloud lingered.  the more i thought about my funk, the more welcome it became.  & to make matters worse, it wasn't even that i was unhappy, i was really lonely.  and tired of being a plus one.  

so i continued to grieve behind my masked smile (best disguise ever, by the way) and promised myself i'd make the most out of this year.  i'd learn more about myself, teach myself new skills, get crafty, enjoy the "single" life and eat ice cream for dinner whenever i wanted.  so i started making lists.  long, lofty lists of everything i'd accomplish while a. was away.  i wrote list after list, wallowing in my mountain of paper and ink.  even though i just wrote it down, i told myself i'd accomplished something.  it was a start- even if we still had a long way to go.

bring it, september

how i have waited for you!  this is the month- the month that marks the long awaited arrival of my man!  the arrival that will forever turn "i" into "we" and make a lazy, quiet sunday afternoon into a lazy, quiet day of dating.  life will be oh so good.  and there's only 20 days to go!!

this month other than the most-wonderful arrival of a., i have a few things in the cooker and a few on the to-do list...drum roll, please:

• get the house "couple-ized."  after living apart for a year, i've took the liberty of making everything mine.  his desk?  mine.  his side of the bed?  mine.  his shower products?...what shower products?  you get the picture.  the time has come for sharing.
• rock out my upcoming conference.  in case you didn't know (or i neglected to inform you), i work for a company that produces conferences.  i'm in charge of the exhibit floor and all sponsorship components.  this conference is the biggest one of the year (aka. the doozie) and i'm determined to rock it.
• find some time to take care of the garden.  considering 3 out of my 4 weekends this month involve traveling, this one could be tough.  but i'm gonna give it my all.
• continue with my monday night improv classes.  that's right, i said it.  i do improv!
• start swimming twice a week.  it's time.  it really is.
• keep learning photoshop (like my "hello september"?).  that is a huge accomplishment for me!  gotta keep it up.
• go backpacking.  (this is already planned- it's what a. and i are doing our first weekend together- but since it'll be an easy and fun thing, i figured why not add it to the list?!?)

whew.  so there we have it.  the september list.  what do you have planned for your autumn kick-off?

getting into the groove.

...and, i'm back!  actually, if i'm going to be honest, i've been home since thursday.  with so much to catch up on, the poor blog has been the furthest thing from my mind.  but now that i'm slowly getting back into the groove of life and work, 'tis time to write.

we had an amazing time.  like unbelievable.  the highlight of the entire trip was reuniting with a.-  hands down.  we spent two weeks exploring the rain forests and combing the beaches.  rappelling down waterfalls, surfing, zip lining and paddle boarding.  it was the perfect combination of active mornings and lazy afternoons.  tons of fresh fruit and plenty of adult beverages.  

all in all, we have over 2,500 photos to document these last 14 days.  i'll share highlights over the next couple days with plenty of pictures and little anecdotes.  if you know anyone heading to costa rica, smuggle yourself in their bag.  do whatever you can to get there.  it's a beautiful country with beautiful people and well worth the trip.  the colors are bound to take your breath away.  just you wait...i'll prove it to ya.

...and it's june!

{via}

can you say woo-hoo?  now, just a little louder!  june is finally here!

ions ago i said ado to the love of my life as he boarded a plane for the remote lands of afghanistan.  we said, until june, and anxiously awaited for our time together.  and now the time has come.

over the past five years of our life together, june has been good to us.  very good.  
in june we said i do.  
in june we bought our first car.  
in june we purchaced our first home.  

so dear june, you're timing couldn't be more perfect.  a. and i have been apart for eight months (can you believe that?!?).  eight.  and now, more than ever, we're so ready to see each other and catch up on so much lost time.  

now that june has finally here, we'll spend two weeks together.  and the anticipation is killing me.  tomorrow, i'm flying to costa rica to meet a. for fourteen days of adventure, sunshine and love.  oh june, thank you for all you bring us.  for this is yet another wonderful tale we'll share as you pass through each year.

note from the hub.

totally. made. my. day.

from a. via facebook:

the best part...is that we've already finished the hard part. Never again will we have to be apart for this long again :)

...I kinda like hanging out with you...

i kinda love him.  ain't that the truth.

packages for a.

i love sending him packages.  and i love making it a process.  throughout the month, i'll pick up and collect things for a. while i'm shopping or happen to find during my day.  the sole criteria being- it must remind me of a.  i want each package to be special- not just stuff.

i always try to send him the things he asks for and i love to throw in unexpected surprises to brighten his day.  since i can't do it for him at home these days, at least i can try to surprise him in a few unexpected ways.  just recently, he received a box from me- and lucky for all you peeps in blogland (wink, wink)- i just happened to take a few pictures.

i have so much fun sending these- and i can never wait to send the next one.  right now i have a huge pile of stuff ready to go.  i know these boxes make his day, and for the next 7 months, i hope i can continue to surprise him with gifts, goodies and love.

letters from a.

make my day week.  and i love everything about them.  thanks to him, this week just ended on a high note.  love you babe!

thank you.

“this will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.”  -elmer davis.

first and foremost, i want to thank a.  thank you for all you do and the millions of sacrifices you’ve made; not only this year but in the years past and the years to come.  you are an amazing man and i am continually grateful to call you my husband and best friend. 

i would also like to send another huge shout out to all the amazing men and women who have and are currently serving our country bravely.  i may be biased since a. is one of these few brave men, but the tremendous amount of sacrifice they make to keep us safe is insane.  everything you do for us and this country is hugely appreciated- and hopefully the “thank yous” are expressed more than one day a year.

so please be sure to take a minute and thank the armed service members in your life.  they totally deserve a hug, maybe a kiss and heck, even a huge balloon bouquet.

and so it begins.

life without a.


but we have to make the best of it.  and we will.  it's still going to be hard, no matter how i try to break it down.  365 days to go.