the depolyment (part one).

i’ve been trying to write this for a while now.  trying to find the right words, but it never felt right,  with each passing month i tell myself it's time & i should- but always fall short as the words fail to come.  now things are different.  with a very definite end in sight i finally can and will write what's been on my mind this past year. 

there's no beating around the bush here- deployments to say the least, are the worst.  they just suck.  leading up to the "big-d" everyone told me 'you can do this.  it'll be easier than you think.  and you know what to expect.'  so i repeated...'it'll be way easier than i think, we've done this before & i'll stay super busy...i can totally do this.'  so i put my head down, cried my tears and forged ahead.  & to my surprise, the second deployment isn't any easier than the first.  as a matter of fact, it's harder.  

for the first month, i thought someone was going to have to put me in a straight jacket.  it was really that bad.  i started a new job right before a. left (worst. decision. ever) and between the new job & deployment, i was stressed to the max.  i surrounded myself with self-pity & sorrow and hunkered down for the long haul.  luckily i have some amazing friends.  they let me wallow just long enough before they stopped putting up with my bs and called me out.  

so i ventured out, looking for adventures & happiness...convinced they'd arrive in one pretty little package.  i booked a few trips and committed to a couple races and activities.  i put myself out there.  like a single girl in a frat house...there i was.  and while i had many moments of satisfaction, nothing seemed to help- my little gray cloud lingered.  the more i thought about my funk, the more welcome it became.  & to make matters worse, it wasn't even that i was unhappy, i was really lonely.  and tired of being a plus one.  

so i continued to grieve behind my masked smile (best disguise ever, by the way) and promised myself i'd make the most out of this year.  i'd learn more about myself, teach myself new skills, get crafty, enjoy the "single" life and eat ice cream for dinner whenever i wanted.  so i started making lists.  long, lofty lists of everything i'd accomplish while a. was away.  i wrote list after list, wallowing in my mountain of paper and ink.  even though i just wrote it down, i told myself i'd accomplished something.  it was a start- even if we still had a long way to go.